My computer has reached is regularly-scheduled screw-up time, where every move requires a minute of watching the little dinosaur jog in place.
Our ancestors would never believe the lives we lead.
To prove it, I’m going to post links to just a few of the headlines that caught my eye today.
To ease you into it, I’ll start with Ria Majumdar’s post over at Novel Publicity. It’s a simple-as-pie description for writing a good plot. Even I understood it, so you folks should sail through it.
Then there’s the tough-as-nails interview with Seth Godin over Digital Book World. Don’t read it unless you’re wearing your armor. He doesn’t pull any punches about Libraries, Literary Agents and the Future of Book Publishing As We Know It.
And Because Why Not? – below is a reprint of the famous protest regarding Paypal’s latest nonsense, done with the authors’ encouragement, with all the links intact, I hope.
Ashton and Cummins have given readers permission to reprint their story anywhere online provided it’s reproduced it in its entirety with the links intact. This is a story worth sharing, so please do your part to sprinkle its pixie dust far and wide.
Parental notice: Since this is an erotica parody, it contains language and situations not suitable for children. Enjoy!
TWO PEOPLE HAVING SEX
An Erotic Parody
That Meets PalPay Standards of Censorship
Kissimmee Hugh Jass
Two People Having Sex by Freida Wright
Copyright © 2012 by Freida Wright
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
This ebook is reprinted with permission from the authors. Bloggers may reprint this story in its entirety provided all content and hyperlinks remain intact, and provided readers are not charged for access. If you would like to support the authors of this ebook, please purchase a copy at Smashwords at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/139100
Two People Having Sex:
An Erotic Parody That Meets PalPay Standards of Censorship
By Freida Wright
Edited by Kissimmee Hugh Jass
The gentleman in the suit handed her a pen. “Here you go, miss.”
She accepted it with a demure nod, glancing over the details in the paperwork before her. The lawyer closest to her patted her shoulder reassuringly.
“I’ve been through the documents, Melanie, they’re all perfectly legal.”
Regardless, she read briefly through them. Such a big deal for such a simple thing, she thought. She sighed.
Thomas touched the back of her hand. “Are you sure you still want to go through with this? I know, it seems like such a bunch of fuss over something so…” he sighed as well. This wasn’t how he’d planned it, but rules were rules. He reached into the interior pocket of his jacket and pulled out a passport and a billfold. From the billfold, he further drew out his driver’s license, credit card and his gym identification.
“You said three forms of ID, yes?”
The lawyers nodded, and Melanie set her purse on the polished oak table and pulled out her own documents. “I, um, don’t have a passport, but you said a birth certificate would be fine, right?”
“That will be fine, miss.”
She bit her lower lip a moment before asking her next question. “You said we’d need to pay your legal fees now as well, correct?” The two lawyers nodded in turn. “I didn’t bring any credit cards along, I just have a checkbook. Or do you take PalPay?”
The lawyers looked at one another and laughed briefly before turning back to her. “Good heavens, no, miss.”
Thomas patted her hand again. “It’s okay, Mel, I’ll cover this.”
Her smile was filled with gratitude. He was a good man; they’d only been seeing each other a few days now, but he was thoughtful enough to ensure that all possible legal protections were being covered for. She could remember in the not-too-distant past how it was all so much simpler; two people met, were attracted, and things led naturally to another until…well, she was afraid of even thinking it in case the censors were somehow able to read her thoughts.
His hand touched hers a moment longer, until the prolonged contact drew the attention of one of the lawyers. “Please, sir, if you could restrain yourself until we have completed our business.”
“Sorry,” he said, withdrawing his hand, but sneaking a wink in her direction as he did so.
Thomas had told her he had spent a year abroad, and had merely shaken his head when they had gone through the list of conditions that the law required of them. “It’s so much different in other countries,” he had explained. “You wouldn’t believe what goes on in other countries without all this…red tape.”
She had grinned at that. “Are you going to use red tape on me?”
“Shush,” he had said, quietly alarmed. “We don’t know who’s listening.”
What had ever happened to this? It had all become so formal, so sterilized and impersonal. It was almost….censored. Romance, intimacy, sexuality, it was all becoming distilled into a legal process designed not to offend.
Well, screw that, Melanie thought. I want to fuck this man.
The lawyers took photocopies of the IDs, and ran Thomas’ credit card for their fees.
One of the lawyers pulled a stapled set of pages from his briefcase and cleared his throat. “Please understand, we are required by law to ask the following questions. Failure to comply will leave us with no further choice than to pull you from publication.”
“What does that mean?” Thomas asked.
The other lawyer answered without even looking up from his paperwork. “It means it will be as if you were never created.”
“That’s a bit excessive, don’t you think?”
The first lawyer regarded Thomas and Melanie over his reading glasses. “Not at all. There are reputations which must be maintained, sensibilities which must be protected. There are many things of a vile and loathsome nature; things offense, detestable and obscene, and we stand as gatekeepers against the tides of filth which might otherwise choke our pristine shores and its pure citizenry.”
“Um, yeah,” Thomas nodded. “You’re doing a great job, too. So, let’s get started, then.”
“Of course. By signing your respective affidavits, you are both attesting to the best of your ability that you are each of legal consenting age, correct?”
Mel and Thomas both indicated in the affirmative.
“Melanie, you are the younger of the two?” His grim gaze was condescending and judgmental.
“Yes, sir. Is there a problem?”
He cleared his throat and mumbled something about how they frowned down upon older men dating younger women. But when Melanie asked him to speak up, he simply just referred her to the fine print.
“Second,” he finally spoke up, “that by signing these documents you are also attesting that you are both, in fact, human beings, alive and not an animal masquerading as one such person, and will remain in human form for the duration of your…activities?”
The couple exchanged awkward glances. “Um, yes. We promise.”
“Are either of you any of the following: vampires, cybernetic organisms, minotaurs, mermaids (or mermen), lycanthropes (including, but not limited to: werewolves, werepanthers, werefoxes, werebears, carebears, or any other part-human creature?)”
“No,” they said in unison, giggling to themselves.
“No!” they echoed again.
“Third, that you are not related?”
They both agreed.
“Pseudo-related?” he continued.
“What does that mean?” Melanie inquired.
“Pseudo. Meaning false,” he clarified.
“Falsely related?” she asked further. “I’m not quite sure I understand. Who would fall under that category?”
“Technically? Everyone who is not related by blood.”
“We aren’t,” she assured him. “But wouldn’t that just mean we’re not related?”
“No, miss. Not related is not related. Pseudo-related means falsely related.”
“Just say no,” Thomas whispered through his teeth.
The lawyer’s expressionless face was smug and impatient.
“No,” Melanie finally muttered with a smile.
“Good. And, final question, that you will not engage in any actions which could be found to be of a sadomasochistic manner, otherwise known as BDSM, including anthophilia, necrophilia, pedophilia, bibliophilia, or any other form of engagement which might be against the terms and conditions outlined in this pamphlet.”
“Bibliophilia?!” Thomas interjected.
“Yes, books. Especially of the erotic nature.”
The second lawyer reached into his briefcase and handed the couple two identical pamphlets, again without lifting his eyes from his work.
Thomas glanced over the pamphlet before exchanging a somewhat confused look with Melanie. They both nodded at the lawyers. “Yes, we’ll… behave.”
The second lawyer pulled an inkpad from his case and stamped their respective documents, and handed Thomas a copy of the credit card receipt for him to sign.
They stood and collected their paperwork, and shook the couples’ hands before exiting.
“Lovely house you have here, sir,” the second lawyer said. “And good day, ma’am.”
They escorted the lawyers to the door and closed it, locking it as the two odd men walked away.
“Well, that’s that, then,” Thomas said with a wink. “Now what shall we do?”
“What can we do?” she reasonably asked.
He held up one of the pamphlets, and waved it before her face. “Obviously not anthophilia, that’s for sure.”
She shook her head, pulling the paper from his hand. “Anthophilia? What is that, anyway, sex with another person?”
“That’d be anthrophilia, I think. Anthophilia is sex with plants.”
“Plants? Ew! Who would do that??”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s a weird world, my dear.”
They made their way to the bedroom. Somehow, it wasn’t quite as romantic as she had envisioned it would be. The two held hands and finally sat next to one another on the foot of Thomas’ bed.
“So?” he asked.
“Yeah,” she shied away, tucking her hair behind her ear. “This is a little awkward.”
“Maybe we should make out,” he suggested.
Melanie sighed. “It’s just so confusing. With all these rules and all, I’m not really even sure if we’re related or not.”
“Pseudo-related, you mean,” he corrected her. “We’re not.”
“How do you know? I mean, we have known each other a long time. I practically grew up with you. And there was that one time…you know, when we played house?”
“Don’t be silly,” he calmed her, placing his hand on hers. “Maybe we should set the mood. Let’s get comfortable.”
Thomas reached for his jacket and began to peel the sleeves down his arms.
“Wait!” Melanie placed her hand on his jacket to stop him, and then looking around, “Maybe we should keep our clothes on. You know, in case PalPay is watching.”
“Relax,” he told her, “People have sex every day. We’re not doing anything wrong.”
“It sure feels like it. I didn’t know there were so many morality clauses attached to what two consenting adults do together in the privacy of their home.”
“C’mon Mel, it’s just sex,” he half-joked. “People who have sex don’t even have morals!”
Melanie couldn’t argue with that, so she, too, began to remove her restricting clothing. It wasn’t the romanticripping off of the clothes with passionate hunger that she had fantasized about for the last decade, but it would do. As she pulled her sweater over her head, she peeked at Thomas’ manly chest and the soft tufts of hair that trickled down between his nipples, leading to his…well, to below his belly button. There was a moment where she recalled the muttered fine print about age discrepancy in her contract.
Was it really wrong that Thomas was an older man? Since when? And who says? Surely, no one could frown down upon her for finding his distinguished good looks attractive! So he was a few years older. Who cares? Lastshe checked, Edward from Twilight was a 104 years old and dating a teenage girl! Now that was disgusting! Andhe wasn’t even human. Ew!
“You alright?” Thomas interrupted. She felt as though she had been ripped from the pages of the contract itself.
She made a face. “Is sex with a vampire considered necrophilia?”
“Well, vampires are dead, so wouldn’t sleeping with one be like sleeping with a dead person?”
He laughed a bit at that. “Well, I think they’re undead, so maybe that’s not the same thing.”
“I guess not, no.” She shrugged. “Though I still think he’s too old for her.”
“Who’s too old for who?”
“Never mind, it just got me thinking, that’s all.”
He sighed. “You didn’t answer my question.”
“What question?” Her eyes widened. “Oh, am I alright?”
“Well, are you?”
“Yep! Let’s do this thing!” he said eagerly. “Tell me, what turns you on?”
“Well,” she paused, smiling to herself, “I would really prefer a light tap on the ass right now. It really gets me going. But I’m not sure if that qualifies as an incidental plot point or not.”
“Oh yeah,” he conceded. “Damned BDSM. It’s such a broad field – where do you draw the line?”
“Exactly,” she agreed. “Except, I happen to love getting spanked. This sucks.”
“You’re telling me, I’m totally down for a little ass smacking right now. Especially if you call me Daddy. Man, that really turns me on!”
“Shhh,” she reminded him, placing her delicate fingers over his lips. Again, she peered around the room to see if PalPay’s SWAT team would come crashing through the windows. She brought her voice to a whisper. “You can’t say that. This is technically an erotic experience and that word is forbidden. When I perused the pamphlet, I saw a clause that specifically banned it from this entire occasion.”
“Are you serious?” Thomas’s brow buckled at the thought of being so restricted. When did sex become so tame? Exhaling his frustration, he flailed his hands around. “Great! Next you’re going to tell me that we can’t role play, make animal noises or fulfill any other fantasy!”
“Actually,” she cringed, “we can. Er, well, I think we can. As long as we remain in human form and are just pretending to make animal noises, I think we’re good to go!” Her statement was followed by a short pause before she continued. “Well, then again, pretending would mean pseudo. Sooooo…” she dragged her vowel as she tried to make sense of it all, “that may fall under pseudo-bestiality. Was that in the contract?”
“Fuck, I don’t know, Mel. The lines are so blurred. I’m going crazy right now, I’m so horny!”
“Oh my God!” she squealed. “No! You have horns?! Are you the devil? Some kind of animal? Please stay in human form until we figure this out! I really want to have sex with you!”
There was a brief silence following her panic attack, and then they both fell to the floor with laughter as Melanie realized how absolutely absurd she sounded. She had been so engulfed in the fine print, hazy guidelines and limitations that she completely lost her sense of sexy. Perhaps it, and all of her romantic instincts, had somehow walked out the door with their attorneys.
“Oh Thomas,” she apologized, feeling awkwardly embarrassed. “I am so sorry.”
They exchanged glances and Thomas, reaching up to caress her face, gave her the most endearing eyes she had ever seen. She leaned in to him, scooting her body close to his, and closed her eyes. It was then that Thomas finally placed his soft lips on hers and kissed her.
The kiss was long and passionate, just as every other kiss they’d shared the past week had been. His mouth was so warm, so sweet. It almost felt as though he cradled her tongue in his. Oh shit, don’t think cradle, she warned herself. He’s an older man, I’m a younger woman. Pseudo-related, pedophilia. “Fuck!” she finally shouted. Aloud.
“What now?” Thomas asked, sliding his finger along her neck until it traced her collarbone. A tress of her hair fell forward and he twirled his fingers inside its curl.
“Nothing,” she sighed heavily. “Let’s move back up to the bed.”
They both climbed to their feet, Thomas gently assisting her in removing the rest of her undergarments. She, in turn, peeled his boxer briefs down his hips until his you know what peeked above the waistband. The sight of his swollen sex took her breath away. She had fantasized about it for years. Well, since she was eighteen, of course. You know, of age. Everyone knows teenage girls never think about sex. How dare they!
Melanie tried to gather her thoughts again. Back to Thomas and his giant pee-pee.
“Are you ready?” she asked coyly. She bit her lower lip and looked up into his deep blue eyes. It was her signature move. Her mating call. Doh! Don’t think mating. Don’t think mating. She hated all these rules. She couldn’t get out of her head for even just one minute. Music, we need music. Her eyes panned the room for a stereo, an iphone, anything that would fill the silence with something other than her debilitating thoughts.
Thomas seemed more confused than ever as she excused herself and walked over to his nightstand. She pressed a button on his alarm clock and the static blared through the speakers. She scrolled the tuner to find a station. Pausing when she heard an old metal song, she left it alone and jumped on the bed.
“Okay,” she squealed happily, “now I’m ready!”
Naked and waiting, she laid back on the bed as Thomas slipped out of his briefs and crawled on top of her. And there they were, back to kissing.
Thomas’ body felt stiff and hard against her supple curves. He was athletic and muscular, and kind enough not to place all of his weight on her. He held himself just above her, leaning in only near her secret places. She felt him pulsate against her writhing femininity. He was firm and ready.
“I can’t believe we’re finally doing this,” he said sweetly, brushing her hair out of her face. “There was so much red tape to get here.”
“I know,” she concurred. The words red tape formed another image in her mind, of being bound to a chair with red tape as he…. No! I can’t think about obscenities at a time like this! It’s wrong. So wrong!
As if a mirror to her thoughts, Thomas wrapped his arms around her body and thrust his hips toward her pelvis. Just as he slipped his organ between her thighs and pressed firmly into her, an ominous song began to play, an old industrial song she knew well.
I want to fuck you like an animal!
“No,” Melanie begged. “No, no, no! Turn it. Hurry! It’s not allowed! We’ll be unpublished!”
Thomas reached up and hit the snooze button, inadvertently turning off the radio completely. Melanie’s anxiety had clearly startled him. He fell over her nude body and gave up in a huff.
“It’s never gonna happen, is it?”
She ran her fingers through his hair, soothing him the best she could. “There’s just so much…bureaucracy.” She crinkled her forehead at the thought of using that word anywhere near a bedroom, let alone the bedroom of the man she was dating, who was naked, hard and laying on top of her, dying to fuck her brains out! That’s it, she convinced herself, fuck the rules, we’re fucking! Right now! But just one more formality. Just one.
Melanie rolled over and slithered down Thomas’ body, exploring his tan skin and athletic physique. She lingered just above his erection, slowly sliding her hands further south over his thighs. She had noticed earlier how…very hairy they were. She curled his hair between her fingers gently, until an entire tuft was within her grasp.
“You’re not a werewolf, are you?”
“No,” he chuckled under his breath, “I’m Italian.”
“Just making sure,” she smiled, moving her hands back up to grip the base of his…well, you know.
She stroked the length of his shaft, feeling his sex throb under her touch as she guided him toward her lingering kiss. Wait. What was oral? Was it allowed? Forbidden? Could it be considered BDSM if she used excessive force? What if he pushes her head down while in the throes of it? Oh no. Oh no! Rather than take any chances, Melanie simply glided his stiffness along her cheek, down her neck, between her tits and so on, until she climbed back up his body.
“I think we should just stick to the basics,” she told him. “You on top. Me on bottom. That’s how the conservatives do it, right?”
“No doggie-style?” he asked.
“The title alone implies it could be risky to try,” she whispered.
“Human? Or alien?”
“You may feel inclined to spank me if we do that, though,” she reminded him.
“Ok,” he conceded. “What about butterfly?
Melanie paused in deep thought. “Nope. A Jockey rides a horse. Animal.”
“Sounds too sacred,” she argued.
“Barbaric. Might fall under BDSM, hun.”
“Snake charmer. Wait, never mind.” Thomas caught himself this time.
“Sounds paranormal.” Melanie finally cut him off. “I think we should do missionary, babe.”
A deep, heavy sigh fell from his mouth. “I guess you’re right. Way to take all the fun out of it.”
“Oh c’mon Thomas, let’s just play by the rules and make this happen already. Take me!” she screamed. “Be a man, in human form, with absolutely no fantastical qualities to whisk me away into romantic wonderland, and just take me!”
He snapped his fingers. “I know! I’ve got it!”
Her eyes widened. “Anything, please, I just want you inside me!”
“You can be an author…” he began, crawling up between her legs and draping her arms over his shoulders. He held her by the hips, positioning her just until he was nearly inside her.
He grinned, making certain she was paying attention to his words. “…and I’ll be PalPay.”
“Oh, yes!” she squealed. “Yes!”
“You see these muscles,” he flexed. “I’m gonna use them on you, baby!”
“Ooooh,” she cooed, wriggling her hips underneath him as she gripped his biceps. “So powerful. Does this mean you’re going to use excessive force?”
“You’re catching on,” he laughed.
She trembled expectantly, squirming in his grasp. He was so close, so near that she ached with desire for him.
“But it’s against the rules,” she whispered playfully.
“Not if I’m PalPay,” he reminded her. “Now I can really fuck you!”
And, with a powerful thrust that took the breath from her, he did.
About the Author
Freida Wright may, or may not, be a young woman or an old man. She may also, but not likely, possess supernatural powers that may, or may not, have been used to procreate with her partner. Her children don’t, but could, have crossed eyes and cleft palates because her husband is much older and of no relation. But most importantly, Freida Wright is an advocate for first amendment rights in the United States.
Freida Wright is the pen name of the writing duo, Jen Ashton and Ren Cummins.
If you enjoyed this story, please consider supporting the authors by purchasing a copy of your own athttps://www.smashwords.com/books/view/139100
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